Representative Countriesand their Noble Captains
What LNM Olympics would be complete without profiling our representative countries and their noble and illustrious captains? We may all do different jobs, but we don’t let anything stop us—and that’s why it only makes sense to pit ourselves against each other in a feat of Olympian heroics. Only an intense level of friendly competition can determine which country (or department) is the most athletic, talented, and intelligent of them all.
Without further ado, let us introduce you to our countries by giving you a little background on what qualifies these collective minds to participate in such noble and enlightening Olympic events.
United States of Adminica
The Web Sea
The Tech Republic
Saleslandia
Openhagen
United Local Emirates
Designladesh
Denmarketing
Customer Careman Islands
Contentinople
United States of Adminica
Human Resources/Billing/Collections
The United States of Adminica is like the ark Noah used to carry all the animals and resources to safety, except they’re human beings rather than a bunch of wooden planks. Our point is that they support us all with important admin work that none of the rest of us know how to do. In Adminica, we trust.
Team Captain: Della Davey
Age 27
Date of birth: September 17, 1996
Department of origin: The United States of Adminica
Pump up song: I’m Walking on Sunshine
Pre event ritual: Rehearse a fight I’ve already had with someone in the mirror
Favorite food: Big Mac
Favorite Smell: Burning wood
The animal you identify with the most: Dog
The quote you would like to be known by: “If you’re happy and you know it, think again”
if you were a dinosaur which would you be and why?: Spinosaurus – I have scoliosis
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: When I saw the other contestants.
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: Give me a pound. Lock it down. Break the pickle. Tickle tickle!
Designladesh
Design
Designladesh always has to be on top of its game because its work is literally the face of what we do. When they mess up, we all look ugly, and that’s a whole lotta pressure. Luckily, they thrive under pressure, especially when engaged in Olympic-style feats.
Team Captain: Shayne Scherer
Age: 32
Date of birth: August 6, ad 148
Department of origin: Designladesh
Pump up song: Kublai Khan – Theory of Mind
Pre event ritual: Throw down in a mosh pit
Favorite food: Meat
Favorite Smell: Also meat
The animal you identify with the most: Grizzly bear
The quote you would like to be known by: Brothers, what we do in life... echoes in eternity.
if you were a dinosaur which would you be and why?: Ankylosaurus, for its strong armor and wrecking ball of a tail.
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?:
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: I am here to defend my throne
Saleslandia
Sales/AE
Saleslandia keeps the coffers filled and are fundamental to putting food in all our fridges. These are pro-people handlers and can rebuttal even the most tenacious excuses given forth by any client.
Team Captain: Matthew Peters
Age 69 years young
Date of birth: 4/20/69
Department of origin: Saleslandia
Pump up song: my milkshake brings all the boys to my yard by Kelis
Pre event ritual: De-robe and shave everything
Favorite food: Eggplant Juice
Favorite Smell: Max
The animal you identify with the most: Bonobo
The quote you would like to be known by: "Started from the bottom now I'm here"
if you were a dinosaur which would you be and why?: Pterodactyl because I can fly around and poop on my competition
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: Mother Mylisa told me I can be anything I set my mind to
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: Love you Bradley Dunsford
Openhagen
Opening
Openhagen paves the way for bridge-building between our company and prospective clients. This vital work allows us to get to the best new clients first and opens the way for growth and opportunity across all departments.
Team Captain: Allan Limpin
Age 69 years young
Date of birth: 4/20/69
Department of origin: Openhagen
Pump up song: 50 Cent P.I.M.P.
Pre event ritual: making sure the feather in my hat is pristine
Favorite food: lobster
Favorite Smell: cheap cologne
The animal you identify with the most: DAWG
The quote you would like to be known by: "It's hard out here for a pimp"
if you were a dinosaur which would you be and why?: Albertaceratops, because I'm from the YYC
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: the day I made a Rube Goldberg machine with devastating gout
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: "I ain't trippin', never slippin', or slackin' on my pimpin'"
Contentinople
Content
Nobody really knows what they do down in the engine room we call Contentinople, but they’re hitting their quotas and keeping the dream alive with unique copy that converts. That’s introverts for you!
Team Captain: Ryan Allen
Age 13 going on 35
Date of birth: October 18th
Department of origin: Contentinople
Pump up song: "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt
Pre event ritual: The Sacrifice .... of about 15-20 minutes' worth of company time.
Favorite food: Whatever Wes is buying
Favorite Smell: My parents were big indoor smokers so I lost my sense of smell sometime around 1999.
The animal you identify with the most: the IKEA Monkey
The quote you would like to be known by: "I'm really, really sorry and it won't happen again."
if you were a dinosaur which would you be and why?: the T Rex because they rank the highest on Google. Great marketing.
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: This very second.
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: Cash me outside.
Customer Careman Islands
Onboarding/Retention/General Customer Service
The Careman Islands is made up of our onboarding, retention, and general customer service specialists. It’s generally not a good idea to challenge these folks, but in the spirit of the games, they’ve agreed not to make our lives any harder if we don’t let them win.
This year, we’ve been given a heads-up by Kyle’s team lead that if they can’t get sassy Kyle to open their Teams messages and respond, we shouldn’t expect to be able to either.
Team Captain: Anna Mushynski
Age Older than the Star Wars franchise
Date of birth: a long long time ago in a galaxy far, far away
Department of origin: Customer Careman Islands
Pump up song: It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock n Roll) by AC/DC
Pre event ritual: Protein shakes with my teammates
Favorite food: aforementioned protein shake (two scoops of vanilla protein powder, two cups of freeze dried crickets, and four cups of Jaeger)
Favorite Smell: the locker rooms at The Legion Memorial Ice Rink in Montreal West
The animal you identify with the most: black leopard (always unpredictable and always entertaining)
The quote you would like to be known by: "Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades" - Corey Hart
if you were a dinosaur which would you be and why?: Barney! Because I command a crowd and I look terrifc in purple.
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: When I tied with my best friend for Most Improved Swimmer on the swim team at 9yo
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: Buckle up.
The Tech Republic
Tech/Dev
The Tech Republic speaks a mother tongue none of the rest of us have ever bothered learning. That hasn’t stopped us from always trying to interface with them or ruining their day by not following their express instructions.
Generally, the rest of us already know our prowess has nothing on this dept. However, we’re willing to be the losers if you’ll keep fixing our computers and IT disasters.
Team Captain: NAS-T-115
Age26
Date of birth: 1997
Department of origin: Tech Republic
Pump up song: GUCCI TIGHTY WHITIES
Pre event ritual: stretch out my tighty whities
Favorite food: Capn Cruch
Favorite Smell: Downy smell on pair of tighty whiteies freshly out the dryer
The animal you identify with the most: A grinch
The quote you would like to be known by: Tra-la-laaaa!!!
if you were a dinosaur which would you be and why?: Saltasaurus cause my head stay up high
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: When I found out my parents were King Long-Johns and Queen Panty-Hose
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: Halloween was stolen from me, but this is how Captain Under Pants stole Christmas
The Web Sea
Web Coordinators
The Web Sea is a group of Gandalf-level wizards who coordinate the creation of magic in a way that is unrivaled by any other. This famed collective is a group that never forgets even the most minor details, which always shows in their high and illustrious output level.
Team Captain: Ebony Palmer
Age 35
Date of birth: 07/18/88
Department of origin: The Web Sea
Pump up song: Kali 47 by Savant
Pre event ritual: Roll a d20
Favorite food: Poutine
Favorite Smell: Vanilla
The animal you identify with the most: Cat
The quote you would like to be known by: Burn Towns Get Money
If you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be and why?: Sweet Corn, Bacon and Cacao. Never let em know your next move.
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: In the quiet moments of relentless dedication, amidst the sweat and sacrifice, hushed whispers foretell that destiny thrusts itself upon the brave and the bold. The tapestry of destiny unfolds and chooses not just a star athlete, but a champion.
We really tried to give you one of those this year. We even outsourced to Fiverr but came back empty handed. So instead, you get to contend with me again this year!
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: The pirates of the Web Sea are out for blood this year! You’re going to have to bring everything you’ve got to keep gold out of our hands this year!
United Local Emirates
Local
Our local team is a group of supreme SEO thrill seekers who know the illusive algorithmic rules of benevolent search engines better than they know themselves. One bit of advice: don’t cross this team because they have the power to direct internet traffic right to your house.
Team Captain: Nic Cumby
Age Old enough to party
Date of birth: November 20th, Year of the Rat
Department of origin: The Land of Local
Pump up song: Shrek soundtrack
Pre event ritual: Gaslight my competitors into thinking they already went
Favorite food: Olive oil
Favorite Smell: tightly rolled 1-dollar bills
The animal you identify with the most: The wolf
The quote you would like to be known by: "I'm not superstitious but I am a little stitious" - Michael Scott
if you were a dinosaur which would you be and why?: The Predator X. Said to be stronger than the T-Rex and it swims, what could be more terrifying than that...
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: When the game chose me
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: The cool thing about local is it's all around you. You can't your escape the local area and you can't escape us either.
Denmarketing
Organic & Paid Ads
Denmarketing is built up of cold hearted gangsters who only wear camo and badass headbands. Be warned! They strike first, strike hard and they definitely show no mercy. They might not always win, but they're relentless and will never back out of a fight. With their attitude of "the best defense is more offense" we can guarantee that these rebels will bring it harder than Rocky in Rocky IV.
Team Captain: Duc Nguyen
Age 27
Date of birth: Jan 17, 1996
Department of origin: Denmarketing
Pump up song: Baby Shark
Pre event ritual: Prayers for my enemies
Favorite food: Organic and ethically sourced backlinks
Favorite Smell: Vanilla
The animal you identify with the most: Piggy
The quote you would like to be known by: The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse get the cheese. All three get eaten by me.
if you were a dinosaur which would you be and why?: Yomamasaurus because it’s the biggest and scariest ever!
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: When I was praying and a voice from above whispered to my ears my destiny
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: I’m just looking around to see who's gonna finish second
How It All Plays Out
While the above countries all usually operate in harmonious unison like one giant Pangea, the LNM Olympics is the one time of year when we throw our gloves down and go for the ultimate bare-knuckle rounds. It’s all good clean fun, but the competition is sure to be brutal!